Everyone has heard of the law that creates the golden rule: it only takes twenty-one days to force yourself to build a good habit, discard a bad one, or collect by mistake.
It is easy to see why this magical law stuck in people's heads: we can easily believe that three weeks is long enough to make a "sacrifice" is a good practice but short enough for people to see it as possible. Achieved. But for someone passionate about self-improvement, believing that this law will only lead you to the path of disappointment.
When you start thinking about concrete examples, this suddenly goes down. For example, I have been waking up at 7 in the morning most of my adult life. The longest extension is 21 days, too. Still, I have been struggling to do it, and until recently, if given a day when I should not get up in the morning, I would go to bed later.
What is the truth, and what is really needed to build a good habit?
What is the origin of the 21-day-old myth?
Back in the 50s, one plastic surgeon noticed that it took people about 21 days to get used to their "new face". Long story short, he published a very successful pop-culture book on it, which has sold more than 30 million copies. “It takes at least 21 days for the old mental image to dissolve and for the new to be jell,” writes Maltz, a plastic surgeon, and Psycho-Cybernetics author, in his book.
As self-help writers began to take their research, their readers began to believe that 21 was a magic number when it came to building habits, and they began to tell everyone they knew. And suddenly it was everywhere.
People believe that if they can only fight for something for 21 days, their brain will either light up the flicker, or turn it off, and it will be easier to get the good habits they want.
Science says that this is the wrong way to think about human behavior
Here's the truth: if you want to build a habit, all you have to do is remove the barriers that hold you back. Instead of thinking of it as something you should do, or need to do, you should plan it in a way that makes you want to do it.
People are lazy. I’m not saying that in a negative way, or as a case of our character’s guilt. I just understand that we save energy where possible, and much of that means we are taking a path of insensitivity.
This can be a bad thing - eating fast, not exercising, or not working on our novels are all easier to do than other alternatives.
But you can do that. By creating more resistance when you want to stop something, or eliminating resistance when you want to start something, you can make it much easier to build the habits you want.
It is true that when you do something often enough, it becomes a way of opposition at least naturally, and that is another way of building a lasting habit. But in reality, there is a very simple and easy way to start building a habit today that will last a lifetime.
Make resistance work for you
One of my favorite writers once wrote that you are not lazy, bored, or indifferent. I believe you are right. If you want to change something about yourself, when you fail, it is not that you are a lucky person. Even if circumstances are beyond your control, or you are trying to achieve them in the wrong way.
Instead of forcing yourself to climb a steep slope, it is easier (and it will help you to stick to your habits for longer) if you slide on a steep slope.
Do you know what made me finally start to get up early and go to bed early? It was a time when I did a good morning routine. I have made it easy and pleasant for me to have a good morning.
By working with resistance - by smoothing the way to getting up early, making it harder to fall asleep late - I finally found the habits I was looking for easily. As long as you make a habit you want to build that is very easy to automate, you will be able to build any custom you want.
Think of failure as a data point
You may think that not developing a habit on the first try has failed. But failing to get it right on the first try does not mean that you have not won - it simply means that you have another piece of information that will help. Lally et al wrote in their 2009 paper, "[m] 's issuing a single opportunity to do so has not had a significant impact on the developmental process." In other words, if you fail once, it does not affect your ability to succeed in the same thing in the future.
For example, I've always wanted to eat healthy snacks instead of the pizzas or microwave dishes I usually buy when I'm short on time or energy.
After spending a lot of time and energy making a meal plan and a list of ingredients for the next week, I came home from work one day, checked my list and my ingredients, and went back to buy pizza. The strategy did not work.
I could have given up and decided to admit it. But instead, I described my “failure” as another data point and tried something else - food delivery. I had the same collection of ingredients delivered every weekend and repeated meals. In this way, I made a point of not eating too much healthy food at dinner. It wasn't a big, quick decision - it was just an easy thing for me to do.
As long as you remember to view failure as just another step forward, not backward, you can keep trying.
Practicing is not something mysterious, with magical numbers. It's about knowing yourself and your mind. If the habit is right for you, if it is one thing you want to start doing, all you have to do is make it easier to do it than not doing it. This may take some trial and error, but it is the only way to continue it.
Only you do not know what works, and yet you may be wrong. When you fail, it's important to interpret that as it is - your brain just points you in the right direction - rather than blaming yourself.
It doesn't take 21 days, God's action, and the blessing of your favorite production company to get good habits. In the end, all you need to do is give them an outlet and the support they need to keep going.
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